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Tha’ Block Is Hot, Along With Everything Else !!!

I wanted to write something today while my boys were down for their naps, but nothing jumped out at me. Then I said to myself,  “just write about what you’re feeling right at this moment Jason”. What am I feeling you ask ??? Blessed to have a functioning air conditioning unit !!! It is a special kind of HOT outside today. It’s the kind of hot that your grandmother used to tell you to “shut them blinds & lay still”. It’s that oppressive heat that makes you hum negro spirituals while walking to the mailbox (and you’re WHITE). It’s that type of humid hot that will have women running to their cars from the beauty salon in an attempt to protect their investments.

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I knew the outside world wasn’t gonna have me in it today, when I opened my front door this morning at 9am to grab something from the porch, and it felt like someone grabbed my shirt & collared me up. You know how when your Daddy used to grab the front of your shirt when he caught you acting the fool & afterwards you had that twisted fabric on your chest like a scarlet letter for an Ass Whoopin ??? Side Note: you could always tell which kids were raising themselves, cause they never had twisted fabric on their chests. Twisted fabric was more than just the residual effect of being yanked up, it was the sign of someone who cared enough about you to yank your ass up in the first place. I feel sorry for the kids I grew up with that never got their chest fabric twisted. Many of whom didn’t get their fabric displaced until the boys in blue did what their parents/ community failed to. I will forever be grateful to my wonderful parents & anyone else who bunched the material of my shirt up to keep me in line. Okay, back to business- THE HEAT !!! That’s what it felt like.

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So at 9am and 7 seconds this morning I activated the Emergency W.K.O.B.A.I.T.H.T System. You’re all probably scratching your heads right now saying “What”? Stop scratching your head damnit, I’ll expand on this thought. That acronym 23 words back stands for the “We’re Keeping Our Beige Asses In The House Today”.  With the alarm sounded, I sprang into action. Side Note #2 or Dos (for my spanish speaking friends)-: do people SPRANG into anything else ??? You never hear, “I sprang into bathroom” or “I sprang outta bed this morning”. Okay, that’s enough of that. Time to sprang back to business. See I told you.

Within 60 seconds I had shut every blind, pulled back every curtain, cut on every ceiling fan & told my thermostat to Get Low like Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz.

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I beat an all-time personal record and felt an overwhelming sense of pride in myself. The Emergency System was in place & my boys and I were all geared up to fully enforce the W.K.O.B.A.I.T.H.T policies/ bylaws. That was the plan at least. Then 15 minutes after putting the twins down for their nap, I remembered that recycling had to go out. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!! All of a sudden I was faced with a choice. A) Do I help save our planet by being responsible with my recyclable items ? Or B) do I say F#%K the earth, cause Global warming and the hole in the ozone are already winning based on this heat. I was leaning 97.3 % towards B.  (just being honest).

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After much prayer, meditation & soul searching, I decided to risk it all. As I stepped into the garage I felt like that scene from Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger’s eyes damn near popped out of his head.

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I immediately hit the garage door opener and everything before my eyes looked to be a mirage. Not the Mitsubishi, I’m talking shonuff official wavy heat mirages. I could see the curbside from where I stood, but there was still 30 feet of steaming curved driveway to venture down. It was a set of odds I was unwilling to take. I began reflecting back over my intense W.K.O.B.A.I.T.H.T training/ accreditation (which is good through May of 2017) and I devised a plan to drive the recycling bins out of the garage, down the 30 feet of concrete fire and then throw them out of the window. Sadly, attempting to load them into the vehicle with car seats intact was unsuccessful and left me hopeless and afraid.

After hearing Joel Osteen speak to me in my head & encourage me, I eventually ventured out onto the curved driveway inferno. Side Note #3: Joel Osteen is the voice of my inner monologue. I nearly perished 7 feet into my perilous journey, but Joel stayed with me the entire way and when I returned into my home victoriously, he told me to get in a good bible based church before vanishing. I tell you, that Joel is something else. Anyway, I am safe & in the process of getting my core body temperature back to a respectable number. None of which would be possible without a functioning air conditioning unit. In the words of the Detroit Prophet Big Sean, “I’m Waaaayyyyy Up, I feel BLESSED”.

osteen

 

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