These aren't my kids, my kids look more mob-like.

I was dying to sit down and engulf myself in what was on the other side of that link, but I had 30 kindergartners staring back at me from their learning boxes on the alphabet carpet, and they weren’t having any part of that. “You don’t mess with a mob of toddlers sitting crisscross applesauce, you just don’t do it”– not if you are fond of living. So just like that I had to defer my anticipation for at least another hour until the school day officially wrapped, “DAMNIT”. My focus was nonexistent as I repeatedly attempted to open the link on my Blackberry Torch, or what I now refer to as my Blackberry “Buffering”. It’s an amazing device for my day-to-day use of placing calls and emailing, but throw a little video in the mix and it turns into a Gay pride Extravaganza on my screen. That rainbow pinwheel just starts twirling around without a care in the world- “Its FABULOUUUS”!

I wanted to shoot home immediately following school to get a little bit of that Comcast High Speed Internet in my life (yeah, we’re doing really well, don’t hate), but my hectic schedule is like that toddler mob, and wasn’t having any part of that either. A gang of errands, a half tank of gas and a full 9 hours after receiving the message, it was now 11pm and I was finally sitting in front of the computer with my wife ready to see what was what. It was serious too; we had a nice meal and were washed and ready to be tucked in after the viewing.

We pushed play, and let me say this, “it was well worth the wait”. I have long been a Denzel Washington fan for his unbridled work ethic, charismatic presence and ability to transform everything he touches into something uniquely his own. Being an artist myself, a standup comedian who acts every night onstage, I study greatness in all forms whether it pertains directly to comedy or not. I have a deep appreciation for that elite group of people who refuse to settle for mediocrity, who refuse to settle for good. It’s either All or Nothing, leave it all where you stand or don’t standup at all.

The career path that I have chosen or shall I say that chose me, is one that is in no way for the faint of heart. The only way to thrive in standup is to be fearless. The second you second-guess yourself is the second you lose your edge. It’s unlike any other art form and in my opinion it is the purest of them all. It’s just you, your thoughts and a microphone. Unless your Gallagher or something, in that case fresh produce may be involved. There is no way to practice other than in front of a live audience, you can’t work it out behind closed doors at home and perfect it, it’s literally trial by fire. NO instruments, NO background singers, NO Nothing. If you don’t crush, you can’t blame it on your horn section like James Brown. “Hey mf, who hit the B flat”. My business is surrounded by failure, its rooted in failure and if you want to make some noise in this business, you better become well acquainted with it. I was just talking to one of my very closest friends in comedy, or in general for that matter about this the other night. She and I were just swapping stories about what comedy takes you through and all of the hits you’ve gotta absorb in order to progress. “It kicks you far more than it kisses you”. Shout out to the hilarious Erin Jackson, www.erinjackson.net.

Reggie Jackson

My wife sees what I go through firsthand, and when she saw this Denzel video it was a message she knew would do me, and those around me a lot of good. His message was to not fall back, but to Fall Forward. He said that he has never understood the concept of “having something to fall back on”. “If I fall, I don’t want to fall back on anything except my faith. I want to Fall Forward, at least this way I’ll see what I’m going to hit”.

Thomas Edison

He goes on to say that Reggie Jackson struck out more than any other player in baseball history, but you don’t hear about the strikeouts because people only remember the home-runs- Fall Forward. Thomas Edison conducted 1000 failed experiments that you never heard of because the 1001^st was the light bulb- Fall Forward. Every failed experiment is one step closer to success. You may have the talent to succeed, but do you have the guts to fail?

What a great question to ask yourself. Do you? It’s easy to sit high and pretty when all goes to plan, but what

Shawn Christopher Weems (6-month ultra-sound)

happens when it does not. What are you made of? It’s like Dr. King said “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy”. What are you measuring up to be? I can’t answer that question for you, but I can for myself- GREAT. People always ask me who do you want to be like? Who do you want to be the next of? I don’t want to be the next anything, the next Pryor, Rock, Cosby or Chappelle. I want to be the first Jason Weems. This is what we should all want for ourselves. You were made YOU for a reason; EMBRACE IT. Be the genuine article GOD created you to be and let that be your praise. As my wife and I count down the days until our first child Shawn Christopher is born, these are the lessons we are preparing to teach him. Not just by words, but by example. Live your life like it’s your last, because it is. Love hard, don’t look back, take risks and smile while you’re doing it all. We’re all going to Fall, believe that, so like Denzel said “Fall Forward”.

“To get things you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.”- Pauletta Washington

When I arrived home from teaching the youngin’s a few days ago, I discovered eleven huge boxes awaiting me on my porch like a scorned woman in a Tyler Perry Film.

One of my wife's favorites...Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Although, I was eager to crack the packages open, I have to admit there was some hesitation. Not hesitation because I didn’t want to see our hard work finally culminated, but hesitation because I didn’t want to remove the packing paper and read– Jason Williams, Vol. 11, Intellectual Properly. If you’re still asking wondering, “what’s the problem?”, you need to order the popular breakthrough As Seen On TV product “Your Baby Can Read”… for YOURSELF.

For those of you who caught that, my last Name is Weems, not Williams (amongst the several other grammatical errors). Yet, as long as I can remember, I’ve been called the latter. Example: This is me checking in for a doctor’s appointment.

Me: “Hi, my name is Jason Weems and I have a 3:15pm with Dr. Jones”.

Receptionist: “Hi Mr. Williams, if you can have a seat in the waiting area, Dr. Jones will be with you right away”.

I sit in the waiting area and then hear the receptionist speaking on the phone to the nurse in the back.

Receptionist: “Hi Julie, Dr Jones’ 3:15pm Patrick Williams is here”.

My Inner Monologue in the Late Great Bernie Mac’s Voice From The Players Club: “Who the F@%K is Patrick, how did I become SpongeBobs BFF, you better wear your bullet proof vest ALL Day, ALL MF’ing Day”.

But after 3 decades of this, you learn to pick your battles. If this were an answer on Jeopardy, it would be… What is “Surrender”? And, you would be correct.

Enough of that though, like I tell my kindergarteners, “let’s get back on task”. Whether you call me Weems or Williams, I’d love for you to purchase a copy of this DVD and support great standup comedy aka “Jason Weems”. This project was a true labor of love and the first installment of many more standup specials to come from me. It was filmed live in front of TWO SOLD OUT crowds at the LOF/t Theater in my hometown of Baltimore, MD and the final product is nothing short of mind blowing. Check out the trailer, and follow the link below to purchase your very own copy of Jason Weems, Vol.1: Intellectual Property.

It’s approximately 95 Hi-Def shrink wrapped minutes of GOOD ASS JOKES which also includes an exclusive behind the scenes trailer of my forthcoming documentary– The Making Of Jason Weems, Vol.1: Intellectual Property slated to be released in 2012.

Thank you in advance for your purchase, and stay tuned for more from Jason Weems Comedy.

“VOL. 2 COMING SOON”!

Fast forward 22 months to present day, and much has changed. The messages of “Hope” & “Change” which once were shared have now been replaced with ones of “fear”, “hate” and “intolerance”.  Many of the same people who sung his praises, now vilify him with every chance they get. When you add all of this to the sudden rise of organizations (I use organization very loosely) such as the Tea Party who want to restore America to its “ROOTS”, we now have a ticking time bomb on our hands; And trust me, despite their name, they aren’t serving delicious hot beverages.

What’s so troubling about this is an alarmingly high percentage of the African-Americans I come in direct contact with either A) Don’t know what’s happening in our country or B) Know, but Don’t Care. These are the ones who supported Obama simply because he was black, and thought we had reached the “Promise Land” on that cold January day back in 2009. These are the ones who had the Obama t-shirts with rhinestones and glitter that resembled No Limit Master P album covers, but yet had no clue about his proposed policies. These are the ones that will be left even further disenfranchised if groups like the Tea Party succeed in their efforts.

The thing that made me most fearful has happened, and that was the mission dying with the hype. As a people, we are often times quick to march, but slow to stand. It happened with the Million Man March, it happened with the Jena Six and it’s happening right now with Barack Obama. It’s easy to sing some songs, wear a button and even go cast a vote. The real work isn’t a sprint, but a never-ending marathon. During Obama’s campaign I found myself in numerous conversations in which I was viewed as crazy simply because I didn’t paint him out to be the second coming as others did. It’s not that I don’t find him to be a very capable, intelligent and charismatic leader, I’m just not so naïve to subscribed to the idea that somehow casting a ballot would instantly better race relations, crime, poverty and the countless other issues we face in this country.

He is a brilliant man, but a man nonetheless. Though he represents a great deal to us, he cannot save us. Our salvation lies in the hands of our GOD and ourselves. We tend to place too much power and faith in others, and then become jaded and resentful when we are disappointed. The fight has to happen through us, in our own communities. We know what’s wrong, we know whose selling the drugs, and we know our schools are broken– lets fix it together. As much as you love the man, Obama isn’t going to help your baby with his/ her homework and make them grilled cheese sandwiches with the presidential seal in the middle. The “Change” you’re waiting for Obama to bring cannot happen from the top down. Like anything else still standing, it happens from the bottom up– it’s called “Foundation”. Know whom your districts representatives are, know your Mayor & Governor and know your states senators. Take them to task and hold them accountable. As the great Malcolm X said, “By Any Means Necessary”.

The Racial tension in this country is as high as it has ever been, and though elected, it’s clear this country cannot stomach the idea of a Commander-in-Chief unlike the previous 43. For those who think this is the time to kick back and enjoy “Our Black president”, you are sadly mistaken. Like Talib Kweli said in Get By– “Even when the condition is critical, and the living is miserable, your position is pivotal”. If you take nothing else from this, know that the “Roots” these hateful groups want America restored to, do not include us. I take that back, it does but as fractions, 3/5ths.

Ask five people who they think is the nicest MC and there’s a very good chance you’ll hear five different answers. “Nas, Big, Pac, LL, Rakim”… The list can go on forever depending on what part of the country you’re in, and the demographic of who you’re talking to.  If you’re a true hip hop fan as I am, then you know that the greatest to ever do it was not listed above; and since I’m not one to speak for someone else, I’ll let him tell you himself lyrically:

Yes, in between teaching and stand-up comedy I make stuff...

Pound for pound I’m the best to ever come around here
Excluding nobody
Look what I embody
The soul of a hustler I really ran the street
A CEO’s mind
That marketing plan was me
And no I ain’t get shot up a whole bunch of times
Or make up shit in a whole bunch of lines
And I ain’t animated, like say a Busta Rhymes
But the real shit you get when you bust down my lines
Add that to the fact I went plat a bunch of times
Times that by my influence on pop culture
I supposed to be number one on everybody’s list
We’ll see what happens when I no longer exist

— Jay-Z

If you truly absorbed those lyrics, I mean really, “What More Can I Say”? I really hope you just caught that. Since you’re here already, be honest and ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. Who has ever been lyrically better? I’ll answer for you— NO ONE…

2. Who else writes their songs mentally as they hear the beat, and then records it in ONE take? Allow me, NO ONE…

3. Who has ever been this consistent? If you said NO ONE, you answered correctly— pat yourself on the back.

Look here, I’m all for “Free Speech” and “Opinions”, but if you can’t see & agree that what Shawn Carter paints with his words is nothing shy of classic poetry, then I would like to officially challenge you to an “open handed slapping duel”. Seriously people, his catalogue of music is way beyond rap. Do yourself a favor, go get Reasonable Doubt and start rebuilding the mere existence you’ve masqueraded as a respectable life. I thank you for your time.

P.S.
What the hell was MC Hammer thinking? It’s not “Please Hammer don’t hurt em’ …”anymore, it’s “please Hammer don’t get hurt”… Please Jay don’t hurt him.

If you’re just coming into the loop on this, here is an update. The 8PM show is very close to being SOLD OUT, and 10:30PM is right on his ass. You like how I gave the showtimes living attributes don’t you (that’s a statement, not a question). You ever see a pit-bull chase a toddler? 10:30PM is that close to 8PM’s “hind parts”. You like how I used “hind parts” as a synonym for “ass” which was previously used, don’t you (another statement). Like Atlantic Starr said, they are “Closer Than Close”. You really like how I referenced a hit song by a popular 1980′s R&B Band, don’t you (statement- BOOM). How you love that?

Both shows are being filmed at an amazing theater called The LOF/t, which sits in the heart of Baltimore’s character filled Arts & Entertainment District. When we were scouting locations back in June at the inception of “Intellectual Property” we considered many

Lizzie Canteen (on the right) at Hopewell Missionary Baptist Church.

venues for the site of the show. Some were more upscale than others, some we had ties to already and others left us undecided. When we came across the LOF/t everything aligned; or how my wife’s 93 yr old Great Granny who lives in Georgetown, SC would put it “our spirits agreed”. Shout out to Mrs. Lizzie Canteen representing Rose Hill to the fullest (that’s an inside reference, but I had to include it). Since signing the contract to the LOF/t back in June, things have been coming to life for “Intellectual Property” more and more each day. The manager of the LOF/t David is amazing and always available to answer questions, and the space lends itself seamlessly to what we are creating.

With this being an independent project, the hours are endless but the end result will be 10 times as rewarding. We are the producers, directors, promoters, publicists, stage crew, film crew and everything in between. If you’ve never been a part of a Dionne & Jason Production, please be a part of this one. With the purchase of your ticket to Jason Weems, Vol. 1: Intellectual Property on Dec 4th you’ll be walking into something VERY SPECIAL, and I sincerely mean that. I’m talking “Chronicles of Narnia: The lion, the witch and the wardrobe” Special. Who knows, Mr. Tumnus may even make a special guest appearance; “Big ups to Mr. Tumnus”. So if you haven’t already done so, go to www.jasonweemscomedy.com right now to get tickets. Show your support and be counted in the number for what will be an AMAZING night of comedy in a city that’s not always recognized for supporting live performing arts.  As Spike said, “DO THE RIGHT THING”.

“Yall dont know nothin’ bout that Closer than Close“!!! Hit it Dee-jay

The cashier girl is speaking uncomfortably loud to only God knows whom about learning Russian. She just said these words exactly, “I go learn to speak Russia”. Don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with anyone attempting to expand his or her horizons to better themselves. My problem is this, how is your ignorant ass gonna learn to speak “Russia” when you clearly haven’t grasped “England’s” ass (aka English). I’m just getting started here, because right when I thought this place couldn’t become anymore annoying, it did.  Why do service advisors type so damn hard, and with such rancor and indignation? It’s always with ONE finger and a WHOLE LOT of attitude. My service advisors typing is ringing out like “late night gunshots in a Chinese Carryout”. …And if he “Finds” one more thing wrong with my car, he’s gonna “Find” my foot in his ass. I bet that’s not covered under your power train warranty is it?

This place wouldn’t be as bad if they had complimentary refreshments or something to help distract you from being in a Hyundai waiting area, but they don’t. What makes this

When I owned an Acura I use to get massages as I had my oil changed...

hard for me is that I used to own an Acura, and I know the other world that exists in their waiting rooms. I can still see the plush area filled with a state of the art coffee/ cappuccino machine, assorted Otis Spunkmeyer muffins and fruit roll-ups out the ass. You hear me, out the ass… I used to get ankle massages as I had my oil changed and took Hot Yoga class in the main showroom… had to get my 3rd Chakra right as I waited.

It’s just now I’m realizing that when you buy a car, you’re not buying the car at all. You’re purchasing waiting room comfort level and your snacks for the next 10 years. Those $500 monthly car payments aren’t going to Acura, they’re going to the “apricot scone fund”. Acura money will get you Acura snacks. Hyundai money will get you 21-MPG city/31- MPG highway, and maybe a J.D. Power & Associates review if you’re lucky and up to date on your tithes & offerings. Who the hell is J.D. Power anyway? And why will he never disclose his associates? Where I’m from we call that a “Cover-up”. He sounds like a prominent pornography director… “From the maker of the critically acclaimed Asses Galore comes Galore of Asses- a J.D. Power & Associates Film- under 18 not admitted”.

Sorry about that, I got siphoned off into the dark recesses of my mind for a moment, it happens sometimes. I guess the point I’m attempting to make here is this; there is no point. But if you happen to find one, please feel free to contact me directly. Goodbye…

When I tell people I’m filming an hour special, the first question is always the same, “for who, HBO, Comedy Central, Showtime?” When I reply “Me”, their faces always show confusion. This is because we live in a society where in order to do something, people have been led to believe that someone else has to “validate you”; Or like John Legend and Andre 3000 said, “Give Me The Green light”. This is where I see myself differing from the pack. I have always been the type of person to create the things I want to see around me, instead of waiting and wishing for them to magically appear.

Harry Potter isn’t going to make your dreams come true, Harry Potter is busy promoting his upcoming films The Deathly Hallows and trying to defeat Lord Voldemort. Would you have time? Seriously, be honest with yourself. I feel like there are so many things we have NO control over in this life, so why not really grind at the things we have some control over. Though I am a standup comedian to the core of my being and have several comedic heroes, I also draw inspiration from anyone who performs at the top of their craft.

For this reason when I am asked who are my influences, you’ll often hear – Will Smith, Denzel Washington and for anyone who really knows me, Jay-Z. “Hov”… all of these people have one thing in common, though extremely gifted, what truly separates them from their counterparts is work ethic. I was watching a special on Will Smith where he said, he knows he may not always be the most talented in the room, but he knows he’ll always go a few steps beyond what’s required of him. “If you take 5 steps, then he’s going to take 10”…

A lot of people are fans of someone, but I would take it a step further to say I feel a true kindred like spirit to Shawn Carter aka Jay-Z, aka HOVA, aka Jigga. Maybe it’s that I just like the sound of a young, intelligent, wildly successful black man talking brashly over Kanye beats.  That’s part of it, but there is so much more to it. What I am drawn to is the unrelenting entrepreneurial spirit behind everything he does. I love the fact that after every record label told him he wasn’t good enough, he put up his own money and bet on himself. There are not too many people who believe in themselves like that. I have to think that’s the reason why there are only a handful of Shawn Carters in the world.

All of those things being said, this is much more than just a comedy show to me, it embodies everything I am. Everything I described that I admire about Jay-Z are the same things I highlighted within myself in the paragraph before it. That same “sun-up to sun-down” hustle has been driving me back and forth to DC every night for 4 years straight to perform while still maintaining a stressful day job working with kindergarteners. The way I like to explain it to people who think I’m insane for working so hard and functioning off 4 hours of sleep or less nightly is like this, “I feel like I sat on my God-given gift to make others laugh longer than I should have, so now I’m in a race against time to make good on what he designed me for”. “I’m a human, but I work in dog years, 1 = 7 for me…”.

I am a very detail oriented person; some would go as far as to say “neurotic”. For this reason everything I do is for a reason and serves a very specific purpose. The name of the special– Jason Weems, Vol. 1: Intellectual Property was carefully selected. It holds special meaning to earlier events this year (read my post Jason Weems Exclusive Scandal) and is what every creative person holds dear. Beyond money, cars, clothes or jewelry, I value my thoughts. None of those things I just mentioned can create thoughts, but your thoughts can create all of those things. The date of the special was not a random selection either, and if you google Shawn Carter you’ll make the connection. My real Hova heads who’ve been riding since Reasonable Doubt already know. Even the addition of a volume is my way of paying homage to a great influence of mine.

Like Reasonable Doubt, "Intellectual Property" is self-funded and produced.

Like Reasonable Doubt,  “Intellectual Property” is completely self-funded and produced. Hopefully, like Def-Jam came seeking Roc-A-Fella, maybe we’ll draw out some big fish with the noise we’re about to make down here in Charm City. Yet, whether this special is picked up by HBO or gets anyone’s attention, I can honestly tell you this will be the most exciting special I ever film. I say this because I know the “industry specials” are coming , but none will be satisfying as this one. On December 4^th, 2010 when I take the stage for these two shows (8pm & 10:30pm Get Your Tix!), I will be surrounded by the most amazing energy from people who love me, support me and genuinely want to see me succeed. If that’s not a success story, I don’t know what the hell is. Now buy those tickets and come hear some GOOD ASS JOKES. I look forward to seeing you there, and sharing my “Intellectual Property”.

On sale now. Click here for tickets or visit www.jasonweemscomedy.eventbrite.com.

Thank you, I Love You All…

The DC Improv, My Home Club

For every one thing that has changed over these years, I can also find examples of things that remain the same. Such as: I still get extremely nervous before each and every performance (I’m talking that 1^st day of Kindergarten nervous). I still obsess over new jokes in my head, I still walk around mumbling at work writing mentally and I still feel like I’m making up for lost time. These are examples of things that haven’t changed, nor do I want to ever change either. They keep me in the moment, and standup comedy is a thriving living art form.

A funny story I haven’t shared with too many people is one regarding my 1-year comedy anniversary. My wife who at the time was still my girlfriend took me out for a celebratory dinner at an amazing Brazilian Steakhouse Fogo De Chao in downtown Baltimore. We’re enjoying our meal when my phone rings.

Dave Chappelle, One of My Comedy Heroes

It’s one of my close comedy buddies on the other end Bryson Turner saying, “Jason, Chappelle just walked into the Improv and he’s going up”. He’s speaking of the DC Improv, which has become my home club and a place where I owe everything. My lady knowing what Chappelle means to me yells, “check please” without missing a beat and we were off in high pursuit of one of my comedy heroes. To make a long story short, we make record time from Baltimore to DC, but he unfortunately changed his mind and had left by the time we parked… “Why has thou forsaken me”.

A few weeks later I’m at home on a Saturday night doing massive loads of laundry. It was one of those times when you’re forced to wash clothes. It was either Laundry or Public Nudity, Wisk or Indecent Exposure Charge—“I know it’s a tough one right”. So I’m strutting around the house butt-ass naked with nothing but a wristwatch on (don’t judge me, I was timing my loads) and my phone rings again.

Amazing Friends and Comedians, from left to right: Bryson, Kojo and me (Jason)

This time its one of my closest friends/ amazing comedian Kojo Mante on the other end. Me: “Hello.”. Kojo: “Chappelle is in the club…”. Before he could give details I was on 95 South in soggy sweatpants, flip-flops and a baby-tee (which looking back I hope didn’t belong to me). Halfway there Kojo calls and says Chappelle dipped out, and I drove back home a shell of a man. Now reminiscing over that outfit I had on, I think I started out the shell of a man.

In the 3 years since then that I’ve been performing, I haven’t had the pleasure of any more Dave Chappelle sightings but I remain hopeful and blindly optimistic. He is one of the main reasons I began comedy and has been a huge inspiration to my style of humor long before Chappelle’s show.  He’s truly a living legend, and its my hope that God will allow our paths to cross someday soon without me wearing moist trousers. “Here’s to another year of performing the purest live art form there is and to many, many more”.

“LETS GO”…[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1215958813529322429#]

I was a semi-finalist on NBC’s Last Comic Standing where I received a ton of national television exposure. I was invited to perform at the prestigious Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal, and to top it all off, I was a part of my first “scandal” (at least that’s what they called it). I’ve got to be on the right path if I’m encountering scandals, right?

A scandal you ask, how tantalizing- I’ll explain. Let me begin by saying, “You ever f*ck up so bad, you feel closer to Mel Gibson”. I mean so bad that your just waiting for TMZ to hop out of the bushes and God to bench you for the rest of the game. Long story short, back in June I thought someone had stolen a joke of mine that I had just performed on Last Comic Standing after receiving an email from another comedian.

Magic Johnson during Michael Jackson's Funeral

It was a popular joke I had been telling since July 2009 about Magic Johnson at Michael Jackson’s Funeral Service. This deeply bothered me, so being the gangster I am, I rolled up on the suspected culprit- on facebook “Don’t you judge me”. Look, I didn’t have her number (which I would have used if it was available to me) and besides no one speaks face to face anymore, “face-to-face” is Facebook- it’s just the world we live in. I was so angry at the thought of someone stealing my Intellectual Property. I should’ve slept on it, because I know in the morning it wouldn’t have mattered. I’ve had tons of jokes blatantly stolen from me over the years but you get to a point where you simply snap. I should’ve considered all of the angles–  maybe it was a similar premise, maybe it was parallel thinking, but anger was the front-runner in my mental race. Logic had not even made it off the starting blocks. Before I knew it my fingers were feverishly typing. I think we all know what it’s like to type mad. I was CAPITALIZING words that didn’t need to be, using multiple exclamation points, underlining and italicizing sh*t.

Here’s where things get juicy. A few days later I receive a very nasty message back from the young lady where she stated she didn’t steal my joke and proceeded to call me all types of “B*tches and MF’s”. Though no one ever wants to be called all types of “B*tches and MF’s” via a social networking site, I deserved that much.

"Here's my snowball...wanna see it roll?"

For me that is where it ended, or should have ended. I thought I was dealing with another “COMEDIAN” who understood the passion that goes into developing material and to what extent we will go to protect that material. A few days after the response from her, I receive an email to come on a radio show to discuss my Last Comic Standing experience. It didn’t strike me as strange being that I had been doing a lot of press surrounding the show. Little to my knowledge, I was about to be ambushed ON AIR by her husband who was one of the hosts. “I know, classy right”? Though I was beyond pissed on the phone, I kept my composure.

I stated that I called in to discuss my comedy (not a private message I sent someone) and if there was nothing else they wanted to discuss than the conversation was over. He continued to harp on and I politely hung up. At that point I saw I was dealing with opportunistic people; an aspiring actress and Internet radio host couple that I had hand delivered fresh bait. “ Great job Jason, I couldn’t make sh*t up like this if I won a Pulitzer Prize”. The next morning I wake up to a BS one-sided story online written by a very poor reporter at The Examiner.com. “I use the word reporter very loosely” The way it was composed clearly indicated that he has no journalistic integrity. The headline read: Exclusive Scandal, and did I steal her joke.

Let me ask you all a question please. “When did the definition of scandal change”? A scandal used to be the president lying to the American public about a war or getting trim, a scandal used to be the covert slaying and cover-up of a foreign dignitary, not a private Facebook message about someone jacking a joke about Magic beating AIDS”.

Now this was a scandal...

I never thought I’d live to see myself arguing over the ownership of AIDS. What kind of world do we live in where people are arguing about who had AIDS first? I am in no way saying I had no wrong doing in this, because I did. I started the snowball down the hill. Did I come extremely strong, yes and I was wrong for that. But speaking as a comedian who busts his ass on stage every night to be original and progress the art form, these jokes are our children. We give birth to them, we raise them and then send them out into the world to do good. And if you hear your kids been kidnapped you don’t take the time out to think, hmm maybe it was a kid that looked just like mine—you come out blazing. If every parent were that protective of their children, there wouldn’t be a missing child unit, just a bunch of scandals. A “Fake Ass Scandal Unit” for parents who approached someone else about their child because their kid went missing and had on the same outfit.

I was just so hot, and anger is the original hype man. We’ve all had these days where anger is whooping common sense’s ass. Most bad decisions are made out of anger. Anger fuels every major argument, war and “scandal”.

Common sense has been on the losing end for years. I was mad at them for making this into something it clearly was not, but even angrier with myself because normally I am a very logical and calm person. “I feed ducks in my leisure time, I’m a nice guy”. Yet for whatever reason not this night. I can still hear the argument between the two in my mind. It sounded like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Now, I know a lot of you are saying it’s just a joke, but its more than that. “It’s a good ass joke and people were seeking it, just like the ring”.  Let me warn you, ALL of my impressions sound African (it’s a long story). I think it’s because the place this anger came from was so primal that it connects me to my roots. Since I can’t read this to you, I need you to read this in your best African accent- don’t let me down.

I'm serious...I feed ducks on my lunch break.

In tonight’s performance, Anger will be played by Jason Weems’ Inner African and Common Sense by Jason Weems’ Normal Calm Demeanor. We Hope You Enjoy…

Anger: That tricksy little comedian stole my joke; I can’t believe she stole your magic joke

Common Sense: No, no-She didn’t steal it

Anger: The precious, she stole, she stole it- What Da’ F*ck Is Dis’

Common Sense: Even if she did, it’s not worth saying anything

Anger: We were the one to say, “You beat AIDS”

Common Sense: a lot of people knew Magic beat AIDS Jason

Anger: stay out of this Common Sense

Common Sense: Don’t hit send on that message

Anger: I already did

Common Sense: You know she’s a white girl right?

Anger: What’s that got to do with anything?

Common Sense: Have we learned nothing Kanye?

Anger: OH SH*T….

So what have I learned from my mistake?

I’ve always known this, but I got a refresher course in practicing patience and looking before I leap. I’ve also learned that some people are alive just waiting for you to mess up; so don’t expose yourself. You’d like to think people are inherently good, and yet your often disappointed. “If you and your girl break up, there’s a dude waiting ready to grab it off the glass”. ” If you take your car in for an oil change and mention a squeaking noise, now you suddenly need a transmission”. It’s very sad to say, but this world is largely composed of individuals who are simply waiting to capitalize on others mistakes. Even the store Marshall’s does it; you’ve seen the commercials. Gucci makes too many designer shoes that can’t be moved, then they buy them all and sell them for $4.99. What kind of ignorant sh*t is that? “GUCCI“…

In closing, there are a lot of mean-spirited people out here who want to hurt you to simply see you bleed. “I’m bigger than that, I’m better than that and I’ve got too many great things ahead of me to look back”. People can write whatever they choose to, it’s America. You can read and believe whatever you want to, it’s America. “It’s totally up to you to form your own opinion”. Always remember though, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one”. Everything on the Internet isn’t gospel- Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see.

Left to Right: Insulted husband, crazy wife and a cardboard Obama

Every conversation we seem to have as of lately finds its way back to the “Tea party”. Often times this has led us into arguments because after she dissects an entire issue, my response is “Yup, that’s how they do Black Presidents”.  As if we’ve had a plethora of them. She takes this personally as if I am not interested in what she shares with me, but that is the furthest thing from the truth. “Its not that I don’t care about what she’s saying, I just don’t give a F#ck”. I’ll explain this as well, because without one you better believe “A Storms A Brewing In The East”….

Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to care and not give a F#ck simultaneously. “I care about what she shares with me because its important to her (and the May issue Essence magazine said I should), but I don’t give a F#ck because it’s all a big ole’ crock of shit”. Nothing is what it seems to be anymore, if it ever was to begin with. You can’t tell where truth ends and the lies begin these days. So as much as I would like to seem more informed by staying abreast of everything in the political landscape, the truth is I get more out of watching “Swamp People”.

History Channel's "Swamp People"

Shoot em’, shoot em’ shoot em’. If that made no sense to you, tune into Swamp People at 10pm EST Sunday nights on History. I guarantee you’ll walk away with more than a lofty Obama speech.

Here’s the part where my moment of clarity came, and I realized it really is “All Relative”. Along with being a standup comedian, I also teach Kindergarten by day. Due to this most of my conversations involve new joke premises and phonemic awareness. The other day while speaking to my sweet lady about the children, she asked me do they talk to me about “Current Events”. I looked at her and said, “yes they do”. She went on to ask me what they knew about Obama and politics, and that’s where I had to reel her back in and explain. What’s a current event to you isn’t a current event to five-year olds.

example of 5-year olds

Five year olds current events are things like: “He peed on my ankles”, “ She said my water was ugly” and “He peed on my ankles again”. “I don’t care what Obama’s Middle East exit strategy is, no event is more current than having your ankles drizzled upon”.  Now that’s what I call “making it rain”.

What’s important to one person may not be important to the next, but that in no way makes it wrong. Everything in this life is just a matter of perspective. “We’re ALL looking at the same game in the same arena, the only difference is what section we’re sitting in”.  Have patience with one another, teach tolerance and by all means please stop peeing on each other’s ankles.  “It’s just rude”…..