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WINTER IS COMING !!!

It’s funny what a day will change. I take that back, it’s funny what can change in a moment. Just a moment. A day is a bit lofty. As many of you have heard, I am thankfully recovering from the worst asthma attack I’ve ever experienced this past Wednesday night 5/3/17 as I was on stage in Philly. I have fought asthma my entire life, spending long periods of my youth in & out of emergency rooms. For those of you with asthma, you know how unpredictable it can be & when breathing is the subject, unpredictability is a MF !!! Over the past 3 years I’ve had a few of the most severe attacks of my life with the reasons unbeknownst to me. I’ve passed out in hospital parking lots trying to get into the ER, had my street looking like Christmas in July from medic lights flashing against the night sky & have had some very still sobering moments when I couldn’t draw another breath and simply surrendered. Back in September of 2016 I had a similar but not as aggressive of an attack while in LA on business. I remember  parking wildly in the ER lot and forcing my way into the back after they repeatedly asked for my insurance information. “Um, first things first fella”. I remember laying on the bed as they worked on me as I stared at my family’s photo on the home screen of my phone. It allowed me to focus my fight on one thing, getting back to them. By GODs grace I walked out of there and continued this thing called life. The experience shook me so badly that it has made me hesitant to travel far from home & I weigh every gig with this in mind. My travel bags are filled with nebulizers, prescriptions & merchandise of course – I gotta get this money to pay for all this bullshit.

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This was the case on Wednesday night. It was a quick two hour ride up to Philly to tell these Good Ass Jokes. I thought nothing of it. Before leaving I made my boys dinner, gave them a bath and got them off to bed. I kissed my wife and said I’d be in around 2am probably. Nothing out of the usual. I hopped in my comedy car, sent out a tweet announcing my impending descension upon Philly and pulled off. Traffic was non-existent and I made the trip in record time. I got a great parking space in a crowded area, the audience was packed in & I sat in the back near the bar watching the other comics go up, waiting to close the show and hit them over the head with this FUNNY. Everything was right in the world. I was given the signal that I was about to go on in 2 minutes & I hopped up ready to go to work  doing what I do. Little did I know that the universe filed this in its alternative facts folder & had a plot twist for my ass. Anyone who knows Weems, knows that no two shows are alike like a snowflake. Every single one is custom made and tailor fit to that exact crowd. So I’m up there riffing, talking all types of shit & out of nowhere , I felt a very familiar & terrifying sensation in my chest. I knew this unwelcomed visitor all too well & I prayed that it would pass and that I was making more of it in my mind. I still had the room in my grasp but I could hear my shallow breathing over their laughter, I felt alone in a room full of people and panic began to slowly set in. I took a moment during a laugh break to pull out my inhaler and take two puffs. A few words into my next thought I could feel no benefit from the medicine & I did something I have NEVER done in my decade of standup — I walked off stage without finishing the show.

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At this point my airways were constricting violently as I made my way through the shocked crowd. I stepped outside of the venue to the street praying that fresh air would do something, it didn’t. Things progressed really fast from here. As I was hunched over outside, I heard a woman’s voice say “I’m a doctor”. I didn’t see her face & didn’t have the strength to look up. A very kind staff member from the venue knelt down with me & said he would stay with me. He helped me to my car which wasn’t far away where I retrieved my bag containing my nebulizer machine etc. As he helped me back across the intersection I could really feel myself slipping in & out of consciousness. Much of the evenings details from this point are unavailable to me at the moment, as I attempt to reconstruct things through third party accounts. The last thing I remember is being surrounded by people as a woman (the doctor) asked me a few questions and attempted to assemble my nebulizer. After that EVERYTHING went black. Not BEIGE, completely BLACK. I’m talking Chris Rock Total Blackout Tour Black. Shoutout to the OG Chris Rock, I hear great things about the new material !!! Everything beyond this is a mystery to me, but I woke up in the ICU on a ventilator & in restraints from fighting during a CT scan apparently. Personally I’d like to see video. I had no idea where I was, what happened & I was so heavily sedated that I couldn’t remain conscious long enough to form a thought. If there’s such thing as “The Sunken Place” I was all the way in it. I didn’t know where my belongings were and they had me listed as unknown in the system. That’s always promising. I didn’t know where my family was, if they knew or how to even get in touch with them as I couldn’t talk with the tube down my throat & couldn’t write in my Kunta Kinte wristbands. I blame TRUMP !!!

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Luckily the universe hadn’t given up on me totally just yet, and in a true tag team effort one person after another starting in Philly somehow miraculously got in touch with other people on FB & otherwise (who are closer and closer to my family) until word made it back to Bmore. My homeboy drove to my house in the middle of the night & banged on my door until my wife who was knocked out from a long day answered as he shared the news. From there she contacted my parents who don’t live far to come at 1am to be with our boys and get them to school the upcoming morning while she flew up 95 to Philly to be by my side. According to my wife, the doctors she spoke to on the phone said “at this point it could go either way & to make it there as quickly as she could”. Needless to say it must’ve been a tense ride. Hours later as I began coming out of the sedation, I found her by my bedside and she slowly started giving me all of the info. Let’s just say that it’s A LOT (too much to type right now & much that I’m still coming to grips with)!!! As the doctors made their rounds Thursday morning, it was revealed to me that I had LITERALLY DIED for a little over 4 minutes. No heart beat, No pulse, No Me – GONE !!! My wife said something that stuck with me, she said “I was a widow for 4 minutes and she didn’t even know it”. My kids were fatherless for four minutes. My parents would’ve had to prepare to bury their child. For 4 minutes this was all true. When I say my head is elsewhere right now, you can’t even imagine. I’ve always considered myself a fairly balanced person, but the perspective this has given me is unreal. Whether you call him Jesus, Allah, Buddha or whatever, by the Grace of GOD I have been granted more life. Life that by most accounts should’ve and did end on Wednesday night. The word “Fortunate” doesn’t nor will never describe what I feel. Many things went wrong on Wednesday night, but at least ONE more thing went right for me to sit here and type this from my bed at home. I want to sincerely thank the doctor Lauren Fox who jumped in at the venue and started CPR which is what kept me alive long enough to even make it into the ambulance. My fellow comic and friend Michelle Biloon who went with me to the hospital and stayed with me until my family was notified and on the way. I want to thank my wife Dionne for rushing to be by my side in the middle of the night and for being my publicist, my parents for holding down our little ones & to all of my family/ friends for the countless text messages, calls & FB posts encouraging me and keeping my beige spirits up. They haven’t gone unnoticed and I will begin getting back in touch with everyone very shortly as things begin to settle some. My speaking voice is still compromised from the breathing tube, but I’ll get my Twitter fingers together. I’m taking a few weeks off from performing to focus on doctors appts, regaining my strength & spending lots of time with my family. One of the FB posts from a friend that really made me laugh is when I was called “Jon Snow”. It’s eerie as hell, but beyond fitting. So in true Game Of Thrones fashion, I’ll end this by saying “Winter is Coming”. And by Winter I mean some ignorant ass hospital bills. I love you all. Weems will return !!! ❤️❤️❤️

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PS – I’m not 40 MF’s !!! They out here fibbing on your boy. If you get it, you get it.

The Devil Is A Liar !!!

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